"To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself". – Thich Nhat Hanh.

The first rule centres around compassion, particularly self-compassion. It requires acknowledging that suffering is an unavoidable aspect of life. However, due to fear or pride, we may deny our own suffering and, in turn, refuse help from others. This denial creates a protective façade or armour, which can distance us from those around us. While it can serve a purpose and define our boundaries and relationships, it can become a burden when we are unable to remove it, even from ourselves.
Recognising that we all deserve care, whether from ourselves or others, is the key to overcoming denial and self-imposed suffering. It is important to understand that receiving help does not make us weak; it is a natural part of being human. Sharing our vulnerabilities not only enables us to receive help but also encourages others to open up about their struggles. However, many of us erroneously believe that we are beyond help or that others would not understand our problems. This belief can prevent us from seeking help and hinder our growth. Denying or resisting suffering is not a solution; it only wastes valuable energy and denies us the opportunity to learn from the experience.
It is important to acknowledge that we cannot survive as individuals on this planet without help, and meeting our basic needs is just the beginning.
Therefore, we can embrace our vulnerabilities and recognise that asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but an opportunity for growth and learning. The second part of this rule delves deeper, once we acknowledge that we need help, we can then begin to care for ourselves.
Suffering exists in two planes: the first includes the inevitable suffering related to survival, such as food, water, shelter, disease/injury, relationships, and liberty. These adversities are a natural by-product of being alive. The second plane of suffering is mind-made and results from our dysfunctional relationship with our experiences.
This suffering is not acceptance-based and occurs when we tell ourselves negative stories about an event, such as "This shouldn’t have happened," "Why me?," "This always happens to me," or "They’re so 'this or that'." We hold onto this mental suffering and resist it, even though it may have already passed. This resistance results in self-victimisation and powerlessness. When we accept that the largest part of our suffering comes from this mental layer, we can naturally let it go. Like dropping a hot stone. We begin to notice the layers of thought constructs that prop up the problem, and as they fall away, we cease to blame others and the world for our problems.
We inhabit a mindset that is in total flow with life, and the peace we seek comes from taking a new perspective on our suffering and noticing where we contribute to it.
Ultimately, by acknowledging our need for help and accepting our pain, we can find a new sense of peace and well-being.

My Personal Journey

There are many events and difficulties that arise in life. Sometimes we blame ourselves for what has happened, or we believe that how we’re feeling is wrong, or shouldn’t be there.
I remember feeling an overwhelming amount of sadness at the loss of my brother, Ollie. There were so many complicated and painful feelings around, it had disabled me. I couldn’t think let alone find peace anywhere. I suddenly realised that I was telling myself I shouldn’t be feeling this way, and this revealed a deeper truth that I felt ashamed of the feelings. I was ashamed to cry, to still be feeling sad, like there was a rule book with pre-set times that these feelings were allowed to exist, and I had exceeded them.
Upon this realisation I dropped into the sadness with arms wide open. The sadness enveloped me and the feeling I was trying to avoid transformed into the most healing energy I have experienced. Of course, I sobbed, I wailed, and I healed. The sadness was healing me.
It was a profound realisation that the care I needed was there when I dropped my armour, and allowed the natural flow of grief to unravel.
Mindfulness helps me recognise these internal conflicts and gives me the structure and freedom to grow from them.